Friday 29th June 2012

Hey guys I now I haven't updated for a while now.. yea yea.

Anyway, I am just gonna do an update on how it's been so far for me.

Well, first things first... ITS THE LAST DAY OF TERM 2! I just cant believe it! Time is moving on so fast! It just felt like I just started school yesterday! How is that even possible?! hehe, I have grown closer to my class and my friends and I have figured out a bit of my problems. I now understand.  
To be happy I must be happy for who I am and what i have.
Though sometimes I still try to fit in, it's not happening frequently, but for some reason, I just want to like.. get close to them, their auras are just so..I don't even know how to explain it. You know, that proud, popular aura. I really do admire that, I just hate the fact that they act like total spoiled brats and bitches, except for one, but I hate her the most.. maybe because, she's so nice and pretty, that it just seems so unbelievable. That she is so... PERFECT. Maybe that's why I just hate her so much... mhm... who knows.

I really miss them already, especially our Tuakanas (big sisters) they're leaving to focus on their exams and such and today could be the last day we will get to see and chat with them for a while... They were the first people I talked to when I came to this school and they have been guiding me, no ALL of us in our new life. I will really miss them, WE had a shared Lunch today as well, and we did a really good clean up afterwards so we don't get told off again by and dean. The first time wasn't even our fault, it was those other stupid people (which i personally think have NOT matured enough). They had a shared lunch because it was one of their birthdays or something. sigh.

I'm still going to Kumon these days and I come home later then usual these days. It's just really hard being on J 181 AND for English  I 141.

I miss the rest of the class already, Last term we haven't really grown close to each other so we haven't talked and all and we haven't really grew feelings for each other ( a good friend way k) but this term all of us have grown closer and we have talked and had fun together, we understand more of each other now too. I miss my form teacher also. She's been really nice to all of us and I will really miss her. She's really motherly too. *smile.

I can't believe this, I know I am from the nerdy normal group but.. I really wish I was popular again, I want my old friends with me even the boys. I really miss my old friends and teachers. I was walking past my old school one day and it felt like nothing changed yet...everything changed in every possible way. Nobody keeps in touch anymore we don't even see each other either.

We had our first dance too. On June the 19th. A lot of people went and it was a Where's Wally theme. I didn't go. I wanted to go and I wanted to have fun and stay up at night... but I know my parents won't let me. I don't even bother to ask them. It's just be another growling and all, they might think I'll be having sex with boys or something... All my old friends went. Well of course they went it was their first dance man! But no, I know my parents wont let me go, even if I ask.

My parents had  a fight last night too. Dad slept on the couch. I hope everything is better now.

I have a netball game tomorrow too, but we are short on players- on is in Canada, One is going to a funeral, One has quit so yea! What are we going to do?! sigh.

I think that's all that has been happening. but i won't go into detail of those. I wish you guys all have a good holiday and have fun and keep safe! =)

xx

A

Help

I can't take it anymore...I am so tired, I can't take it...Everything just burst, everything is just so tiring. I...I don't know what to do, everything just burst, everything just exploded, What the hell happened? Everything that has been caged inside for so long has suddenly exploded. So much pain and hurt, in everything, every swallow, every blink, every movement. What happened? I know that there are still more things inside of me that is yet to explode, I know that what just happened now what only a fraction of what has been held inside, it was too long, everything was caged in so long. It was a mistake, none of that was suppose to come out, I was just so stressed with all the school work and social life that I...everything has came out without me knowing, none of it was suppose to come out. I just can't believe that I had held everything in for so long. I understand now what it means when people tell me not to put everything inside of me, not telling anymore but just keeping it in my heart. I just can't believe that I just...burst! It was painful, horrifying and terrible. Everything I blurted out every tear that dropped down my cheeks, it made me more terrified then ever, I didn't even understand myself that i have kept things in for so long. That I have been in pain so many times yet it just stayed in my heart, not telling anyone, just forever imprisoned til the day i burst. How is it even possible that things like that is..possible? A lot of times I tell myself that I had nothing left to complain about, yet right now my throat it's so dry with just the thought of that... myself close to tears again. I didn't even know myself that i had so many things that i was unhappy about, so many things that i have kept to myself, never telling, never complaining.  

No one understands so I don't tell anyone, and I just wait...wait for my pain to build up again, wait til my life is so sorrowful I can't breathe, wait til my tears fall without permission wait til I can't see as the tears build up around my eyes, and slowly fall as I cry so hard I cannot breathe, wait til my heart hurts with every breathe and every move...


...wait til I burst once again...

Credit due...

 Hey I would just like to say that all the things written in the blog "The truths" is not from me and I would like to give credit to Adam Bautista. I have no idea who he is but I stumbled across his blog on Tumblr and I would really like to share all his writing since he is really skilled and gifted. I also thank him a lot... His writing really gave me inspiration. And I hope one day I will look through these and laugh to myself and say "Wow he is gifted, too bad he has helped me through everything and I have no problems left for him to retell" I really hope that one day that happens



xx A

Tuesday 12th June 2012

sigh, it's been so long since I have written now haven't I? It's just I'm so busy these days since i have like 3 projects due in the same week and I am working my ass off. And so I fell ill. Yes I have a cold and a sore throat. I didn't go to school today nor did I go to my after classes and I still have some homework from the after classes. I woke up at 6:45 today and I couldn't get back to sleep so I went to the living room and watched some drama and some TV til like 12 then I had some food and went back to sleep. God I felt terrible today. cuz I am the groups leader-ish for science so I hope they can manage. I must have missed out a lot too. Especially art, we were suppose to be painting today and that it was due in 2 weeks. God! I am so tired.

Then I logged on to facebook and found out that 'Lydia' had a fight with her slut. Yea shocking really...
Anyway I didn't mention the Big sing did I? It was such a success we did some head banging and it was just...AMAZING! =D

My friend has gone back to America for about 2weeks I think, by now. Miss her heaps already. Man, I am really starting to grow fond of my NEW friends. Really, I am actually...HAPPY now! That's a relief but I stil have problems including Parents, fitting in, and work! sigh, I miss my old life, but whats the point in thinking that? I'm never gonna be going back to the old times so i might as well face forward and confront my fears and grow up, I don't have a choice so...I might as well get started.

This girl she is really annoying and she keeps following me around too! I just can't keep up with her enthusiastic attitude! She talked too fast and talks too much! sigh. she starts with an M.

OMG on Thursday we have a half day because we are having an open evening, for the year 8, who are going to be year 9s next year. I can't believe time passes so fast! It just felt like that yesterday I just went to MY open evening! I just... I just really can't believe it.

sigh...I think that is all. SO thanks for reading again! =)

xx A

Tumblr's secrets

I was on Tumblr today and I just couldn't believe what I saw. It was a follower but not just any follower, he/she had posts that got me crying again and again. I just couldn't believe my eyes,that their were actually other people who are feeling the same way I am.Maybe their are more I yet to discover. Their posts they were all so emotional and filled with feelings, they explained EVERYTHING I'm going through right now. I want to believe in myself, I want to believe what they said in their posts was true, I just need to be patient, that's all. I'm really thankful I found that blog...it was just such a mere coincidence...

or maybe it was just a little more...

I will never know.

xx A

==>  http://aadambautistaa.tumblr.com/

Sunday 3rd June 2012

Hey!!!

Today me and one of my old friends, we went to the movies to watch this movie called the Avengers.She treated me. It was soooo cool!!!! With so much action and things! It's about some of the superheros joining forces and help defeat the bad guy from outer space!! It had Iron Man, Captain America, The incredible Hulk, some girl called Natasha who was really good with guns and is very very flexible and is good at fighting, A guy who had bomb arrows, Thor and yeah. It was just so amazing especially when they were in the fight with the stance of them all together ready to fight and the music was good help too!It was also very funny! It was just so amazing, but if that really happened to us in the real world...man! I'll be dead in seconds! =D

Anyway when we were looking for our seats our number were 10 and 11 in the J row, well I decided to sit in number 10 and my friend in number nine because there was this other guy in number 12 so she didn't want to go sit there, but when the movie was about to start, this bitch with her bastard of a son came and told us to move because we were in her seats, well at first they didn't know and were still looking for their seats and asking people to seat their seat number why can't they just sit somewhere else? It's not really a big deal ya know! There were some spare seats in the row in front why can't you just sit there?! Jesus! You just HAD to find your original seat and embarrass us like that! Motherfucker! Your not the boss! And your son is an ass! Ya know that man!

sigh...anyway now that;s clear and out of my system, today was an pretty ok day just that I was suppose to go to the library and check out my reserved books as well as return my nearly overdue books and damn the library was closed so I couldn't...Let's hope I don't have a fine.

O...K I think that's it for today. Tomorrow we don't have school either because it's the Queens's birthday. Yay! But the library is closed...Damn! Also I hope my dad goes to work tomorrow because I seriously don't like him at home I say he should go to work now but I think ti's his day off or something...It's just that when he is home I can't go on YouTube and that is where I go on most of the time but he says it wastes us G.B's even though her watched videos all the time...sigh.

Well, that's it, Thank you for reading my blog again and have a good night!

=D

x  A

A dream or a living nightmare

I adore her, I really do, how she can just wear and say anything she wants. How she can just forgive and smile like nothing has really happened, how she can make friends that won't back stab her and gossip about her, friends that won't let her down and will include her in everything. I ENVY her...how her life is perfect, how her life was exactly the same as mine was 5 years ago...she was the one that was supposed to be suffering from pain, the ugly one, the unpopular one, the stupid one, she was suppose to be the one that was hurting everyday, the poor one...but how come everything became the opposite? She took everything from me. My life WAS perfect,like the way her life is now, but how come now...It's the complete opposite, even though we were BEST FRIENDS...

How can my life turn upside down...turn fake and painful...how can it turn into something so...so impossible?! How can she have such a perfect life? I don't get it! I really don't! Just what happened? Have I been in an unreal dream for all those years or...am I just living a total...

nightmare...

xx A